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Dr. Becky Bailey
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| Discipline Tips & Tidbits |
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What do I do when a child comes running saying, "He took my pencil!" or "She went in my room without permission!"
Use this type of conflict moment as an opportunity to teach children how to respond to a situation, rather than offering only punishment. Teaching children how to respond is the cornerstone of developing responsibility. Empower the children to assertively stand up to children who intrude upon their personal space or property. When a child comes to you saying, "Sam took my pencil," your first response is to ask, "Did you like it?" This question will bring the child's assertive energy to the forefront as they respond, "No!" Then you can instruct the child to go tell Sam, "I don't like it when you take things from me. Give me back my pencil." This puts ownership and power into the child's hands, rather than training the child to rely on others to "fix" their problems for them. By teaching children an appropriate response, you are fostering personal responsibility.
How can I positively deal with a child who responds, "I don't care," to many of my requests?
The motivation to behave comes from the nature of the
relationships we have with each other. Discipline is
relationship-specific. Most of us know at a young age,
that we can act one way with Mom, another way with Dad,
and you can do anything with Grandma! When people feel
loved and valued, cooperation flourishes. If you hear
your child saying, "I don't care," then that is a signal.
"I don't care" means "I don't feel cared for." Make
sure your children are rushed to the top of your "to
do" list. Spend time together to reconnect. You may
want to try I Love You Rituals or other regular, connecting
activities. If you are a teacher, use the School Family
principles to create an interconnected environment where
all students feel valued. "I don't care" will change
to "How can I help?"
How can I handle a child who tattles on the children around her?
In this tattling scenario, the child is telling you about something that is happening around them, not to them. Use this scenario to focus on personal self-control and teach self-control to children. As a child approaches you and says, "Kimberly isn't doing her homework," try responding, "Are you telling me to be helpful or hurtful?" This question will bring the child's awareness to his or her won intentions. Often, young children who are very honest will say, "Hurtful." Your response would then be, "What could you do right now to be helpful?" Generally, the child will not know. This will give you the wonderful opportunity to teach. You might say, "You could go to Kimberly and ask her if she would like some help with her homework." If the child's response to your original question is "helpful," then you can ask, "How is telling me about Kimberly helpful?" The child may respond, "I want her to get good grades." Then you can direct the child to share those thoughts with Kimberly by saying, "If you want Kimberly to get good grades, you could ask if she needs help with her homework."
What can I do if my toddler runs away when I ask her to come out the door with me?
Love unites and fear separates. When toddlers run from us, instead of relying on the fear of abandonment ("If you don't come by the count of three, I'm leaving without you!"), rely on a child's love of playfulness. Say, "Where did Melissa go? I have lost her! Is she in my shoe? Up my sleeve? Oh goodness, I've lost her!" Pretend to cry and say< "Where could she be?" As the child approaches and says," Here I am," respond by saying, "There you are!" Then ask the child if she brought her thumb with her. As she shows you her thumb, hold onto it as you walk or carry her out the door. The message sent to the child is, "I care about you and if you were gone, I would be sad."
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